As the title of this post state…I have no idea where to begin. I am sorry that I have not kept all of you lovely people updated on my life, but with everything going on I have been just so stressed and stretched thin. My last post was what, like my first week of classes, right? Wow, that was just so long ago it feels like maybe years since I wrote last but it has only been a month and a half or so. Well my last semester here at IUP has proven to be a tough one. So tough that I really have no idea how I am going to graduate in December. The classes are a lot harder then expected and Chemistry has proven to be the worst. It is the only class I need in order to graduate and for some reason I just cannot seem to concentrate on it. I understand it in class but when it comes to tests and homework, I am at a total loss. Well I recently found a tutor to help me out so at least that is good. This morning I had a mental breakdown called my mom up crying because I feel like I am failing at everything and I am a disappointment to my family.
Sometimes I wish I was normal…well not fully lol….but with school. I want to be able to pass classes with flying colors but tests kill me. Especially now with Chem I go into full on panic mode when it comes to tests. Full on panic mode meaning….my mind goes blank, I start to cry, and hyperventilate during the tests and I cant function. I just wish I didn’t have all this pressure from my parents and family…all I do is try to be perfect and now in my final semester….I cant hold this front anymore…I just dont want to be the disappointment in the family…God please Please dont let me be the disappointment…
That was my status after my breakdown…
I am just having a lot of issues, and because of this my migraines have gotten worse and all I have been wanting to do is sleep. Which is another reason I haven’t updated much of anything or even edited many pictures lately, which I am truly sorry for guys. I work multiple jobs (McDonalds, our school newspaper as a writer and photographer, and with my own photography business) and have school work so my life is very hectic.
Even though school is really bringing me down I am glad that I haven’t gone back into a depressed state, for that I have to thank God, because a few weeks ago he brought me and a very special someone together. Yes you heard right I have met someone who has been my rock lately. His name is Johnny and I met him through mutual friends (his best friend is my best friends husband) and since we have started talking I feel a lot better. He is willing to sit and just listen to me talk whether I have a problem with school or even personal. He makes me incredibly happy. Take today for example when I had my mental break down, I had called him and left a message crying. When he got the message he texted me asking what was wrong when I told him what was wrong he gave me a speech. He was like, “Holli you are not a disappointment, you are doing what a lot of people cannot do. You are going to school full time, and also have multiple part time jobs. Plus you are running your own business. If anything you are so strong and you wear yourself so thin and you need to relax.” Just hearing someone tell me I am strong was such a boost in my mentality.
Yes currently I am still struggling but it is so nice to have someone to lean on for once, when I am used to being everyone else ‘s rock. I guess everyone has a breaking point and I am just going through mine. This weekend is going to be nice I am shooting my first wedding then going to my little sisters band championships so I plan on just focusing on friends and family and relaxation this weekend. I think getting out of Indiana for a few days will be a great remedy to my stress. Hope to write again soon especially about the wedding this weekend, so be on the look out 🙂